bluburns_orange

10:09 pm: listen up, i'll spell it out. i need your help, i need it now....
i've decided. katie was right. i hadn't written in here for a while... but i do miss re-thinking about the great times i've had during the day. so here goes.

church today. i helped out in the jr church... which reminded me why i dont care for kids that much... oh well. so i went to my grandmas and ate. then came home and tried to sleep for about 1.5 hours... then went and picked up katie... we went to bronze bay to start my free tans :) but there was a long wait so we got lindsey and went to mcdonalds... THEN went tanning. i loved the place. although... i doubt i'll go often... it's slightlyyy expensive. sooo i got home late... was about 20 minutes late to church... after church i talked to a few people... then came home. yea. sooo that was my day. ha. annnnyways....

10:22 pm: the season has changed........
so friday night we won. that was GREAT. i went out to eat with katie, lindsey, jenna hedge, and my sister... then we dropped katie and lindsey off... and went to jenna brammer's house. aww... we got there right as mitch and stephen were leaving... i miss mitch so much. yea. we all went and played ding-dong-ditch at this girl from ICA who's boyfriend was over... oh... how... fun... not. whatever. so we went back to the house and just like... hung out... then austin and kylie left and austin dropped kylie off at her car at walgreens, caroline, jenna, and courtney and i left a few minutes later and met kylie at my house. we watched this stupid movie called clifford... the guy creeped me out. so me and kylie got bored and went up to my room and talked for like 2 hours. which was nice, because i haven't talked to her in FOREVER. it's so weird. we used to be like... unseperable... now we know nothing about each other. i guess time changes. i've missed her. SOOO we went to sleep around 4

the next morning we woke up... and talked for like 2 more hours... in which we had to shut my door because caroline, courtney, and jenna (or should i say... "yolanda, nancy, and [i wanna say] matilda?") were downstairs yelling at each other at the top of their lungs... acting like they were old women. strange, but strangely hilarious. that went on for close to an hour. we all took our showers, kylie went out to eat with jami while courtney got ready... and they left. jenna was at our house for a while later... and around 4 my parents took me to indianapolis to the home show. caroline went to jenna's.

so. on the way to indianapolis... i think i cried more, and harder, than i've cried in a lonnnnggg time. i think i just broke. i was fine, i guess... until my mom started talking about graduation. i was still fine... then the conversation progressed on to college. both of my parents were telling me "how much i was going to LOVE Bob Jones, and how i would have a date probably every friday and saturday night, and how i would make all of these amazing friends, and how i would have soooo much independence... blahh blah blahhh..." and the further the conversation went... the worse it got. finally... i cracked. and to make it worse... my mom kept looking at me. i had to tell her not to look at me. i HATE it when people watch me cry. so about the dating thing. i told them i didn't want to date. at least for a long time. and my dad started talking about how he hated my past experiences, because he feels like i'll never trust anyone again... which ripped open a whole other wound. all the while i was trying to put my makeup on... and my stupid tears got in the way. GAHHHH... it was ridiculous.

so that was over. and we went to the home show, and it was great. THEN WE WENT TO QDOBAAA!!!!! mmmmm... made the whole night worth it.

and then i went home.

and then of course church today...
which brings me to the present.
good night...

11:57 am: ANNNDDDDDDD.................



we won.

good.

10:55 pm: ...silence broken by your voice...
i haven't written in here forever. first of all... i got grounded for a week. then when i came back... i forgot about it. so.

the past week, i've been unbelievably happy. no specific reason really. i'm surprised at myself for my optimism lately. i think it's hysteria.

but i have been hanging out with my friends a lot. lots of friends as a matter of fact. we've been to muncie a few times lately... which has been incredibly fun. i finally saw annie at the game last friday. of course... i just about took her life from her... as we tumbled down the bleachers during the game for the whole freaking world to see... but it was a great laugh. i can't believe how much i WISH i could see her more.... sunday i went tanning with jenna brammer. we actually spent the whole afternoon together... it's always nice to talk to her. i never really get to because of the whole school involvement deal... monday was katie and lindsey... tuesday i killed myself because i had no excitement whatsoever. except jenna hedge coming over for a while. tonight i talked to jenna brammer and amy at church. two people who made my last year at ica bearable, despite a few irrational disagreements among us along the way... and i miss amy beyond belief. we have... QUITE a few interesting/hilarious/embarrassing/scandalous/never-telling-ANYONE memories to talk about... WOW life has changed. anyways. jessica came over after church... then i talked to ali on the phone.

a lot more has been going on too... and i WOULD write about it... but my mind is going in so many different directions, i can't really think of where to start. but right now... i'm looking forward to friday. i think everyone should come. and it would make me happier than i've ever been in my life, if we would cram ICA's faces into the ground.

by the way. jenna brammer said something about homeschooling the rest of the year. that would be amazing. and i can promise... she'd love it. and i would too.

but i have to go. i'm exhausted beyond belief and becoming incoherant...








i need you here tonight
just like the ocean needs the waves...

03:17 pm: EVVVVERRYYYYTHINGGGGG is CHANGING!!! omg!!! the world is freaking me out.

12:56 am: so last night was amazing. i was with the best people in the world. and i totally had a blast. and i just figured out... MUNCIE IS SO BETTER THAN ANDERSONNNN!!!!! pshhhh we're going there from now on...

and as of today. annie is FREE!!! i'm so psyched. so soon... we all have to get us ALLLLLLLLLLL TOGETHER!!!! RARRRR!! ahh...


maybe a little toooooo much happiness for katie... :) ahhh...i love life today...

03:48 pm: there's no use in asking why... it just turns out that way...
ahhhahahaha... so like last night was the senior meeting. i totally only knew like 4 out of 15 people. i mean i'd seen and heard of everyone except 2 girls... but i've only actually talked to like 4 people. i really don't even get what's going on. neither do i care. but. how's forest green graduation gowns??? ok. whatever.

so we came home. the night before last night ben invited me over to his house last night for some party thing... with like... a house full of heritage hall people/alexandria HS people. yea... i totally knew like 2 people. and of course i didn't get there till 9, so all the ones from HH that i actually DID know, had already left. whatever. so i watched ben and this other guy play DDR for 45 minutes. and this random guy that i met like 4 years ago (who graduated 2 years ago) was there... so i talked to him for quite a while... then everyone left around 10 except this one girl that graduated with ben (who i didn't know before last night)... so we 4 (ben, jessie, my sister and i) all went down to my house to hang out. it was pretty fun. so we sat in our living room and talked for a while... then we all got hungry. sooo we went into the kitchen and made a huge spaghetti meal... garlic bread and all. the spaghetti was over cooked... so it was slimy and gooey. and we cooked like a whole pound of hamburger for the sauce... and while the stuff was cooking we got bored. so we got out tiny marshmallows and started throwing them at each other/the cat. which... by the way... the cat now eats marshmallows. it got slightly out of hand too. so we decided to calm down. and we brought out the candle and roasted the marshmallows on toothpicks over the candle. i swear... we do that all the time when people come over. so then ben started throwing the marshmallows into the sauce... which was disgusting...
then the food was done. so we went into the living room and watched jay leno and conan o'brian... till about 1:30 when they left. remembering... we had never met this girl before in our lives. but she was cool.
sooo yea. got to bed late again last night.

so ben's going back to college on sunday. which is sad. i swear... he's like my psychiatrist. this kid's brilliant. and really... he's getting his pre-med done... then taking psychiatry. he'll be great.

hmm... and i'm getting ready to hang out with the best people in the world. i'm so excited. my weekend will cheer me up :) hopefully...







HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS newest CD comes out FEBRUARY 28!!! "If Only You Were Lonely" ~~~~ I CAN NOT WAIT!!!

02:21 pm: theres nothing left to say to excuse the way that i've behaved...
last night i went to Grace Baptist for church, because they started this book in youth group that my parents want me to do. i pretty much just talked to jenna. and amy a little. which... after ben came over... i want to talk to her more... it's amazing things that go on. i guess i'm not suprised. and i'm probably the only one that doesnt see things in an extreme way. maybe i'm too accepting. but everyone needs accepted. the world is full of hypocrites that look down on people. why would i want to be just another one?

so then we went to starbucks. and came home. i was thinking i'd be able to go to bed early... and as i was getting ready to go to bed, the doorbell rang and it was my neighbor ben... i guess we had planned to watch a movie or something. which we forgot about. sooo my mom sent me and ben into town to get a movie... at 11:00... so we got Dark Water. horror movies late at night... at any time for that matter... aren't exactly the best of ideas for me. oh well. so we watched it. it got over around 1:30. then we talked for a looonnng time. He goes to Pensacola, by the way. he's home from college right now... and his thanksgiving, christmas, and spring break are all tied into one because they're so far away.
i was hoping talking to him would make me feel better about going to college next year. because i was starting to get used to the thought of it. no... it only made it worse. he told me the truth about everything. he hates it. which Pensacola=Bob Jones, basically. he just totally renewed all of my thoughts on the matter. "i know i will FIND new friends, but i dont want them. i want the ones i have now" nope. he said he feels the same way. he has 'acquaintences'.. but no real friends like he had in highschool. "you'll find someone you'll like to date" again... no. he said the ratio of girls to guys down there is 3-1. there are 3 TIMES as many girls as guys... and he STILL can't find anyone. there are more options even at home. and then, i'm a girl... so yea. it will make it even worse on me. "you'll find out who will make good friends down there once you get used to them" NO!!! ali and i were JUST TALKING about this!!! you dont know how people really are, because EVVVERRRYYYONEEE is in the same mold down there!!! everyone is a carbon copy of the other person. you dont know how they are out of college, because no matter how long you are down there, you can't see the real them. because you AREN'T ALLOWED. so... needless to say... the longer i talked to him... i began dreading it again... more and more.
but. there's nothing i can do about it. all i can do... is just sit back and watch everyone KILL ME.

i hate this. i really... really... do...












when did you become the one without regret?
kill me. burn me down. i swear, i won't forget.

11:30 pm: you seem to take premise to all of these songs...
hmm... just saw tristan and isolde. i swear i wanted to cry my eyes out. but i didn't. not to mention... why do all the hott guys die? kill the ugly ones, please. anyways. it was a good movie, except for the ending.



ahh... school is back in session tomorrow. at least i dont have to cram working in there too. so yea.

i should be getting my senior pictures back sometime this week or next, because we sent them in yesterday. yayyy...

and i'm going to bed now. how fun.










hold on to the glory of my right hand
here, lay to rest, is our love ever longed...

11:17 pm: mmm... sometimes i hate myself.

01:03 am: appreciate the good times, but don't take the worst for granted
tonite was gorgeous. i wanted to stay outside forever. it smelled like summer, and it wasn't warm, but it wasn't too cold. it made me just... happy...

12:23 am: even angels would be homesick in this forsaken town
mm... there was an away game tonite. we were going to stop by colonial cuz ICA was playing there, and it was really close to where we played... but we were running late and couldn't go. i didn't really care tho. i realized that... even tho i love taco bell... after i eat it, i feel sick. just a thought.

i feel like i've been cut off from everyone i know. except katie and lindsey. they're the only ones keeping me alive right now. i haven't talked to any of my other friends in so long. it's sad it's depressing, actually. WE'RE WASTING TIME HERE!!! haha... ehh... :-\

i've had so much crap running thru my head lately. i just registered for the ACTs. i'd already registered for SATs but then we found out BJ only accepts ACT. soooo i guess i'll be doing both... i also got a call from my admissions counsellor yesterday. i get those occasionally. he said he just needs a few more things from me (due to complications on my part) and he'll submit my application to the... committee. or whatever. so yea. it's getting closer as we speak.

actually... this admissions counsellor thing is kinda weird. he's from Greenwood... and i found out that i know his brother. not well... but i went to jr/sr with a guy from his brother's school last year, and i met him there. haha... not like anyone cares or anything... but whatever.

i've been tanning a few times this week :) ehhh, i was definately not blessed with my mother's easily tan-able skin. but i believe we'll be starting our free tans tomorrow!! ahh... i'm gonna be fried by next saturday...

anyways. i'm going to bed...

06:43 pm: mmm... i haven't done this in a while. i've been busy. but i just ate at skyline chili... it was ok i guess. i woke up to my mom yelling at me. then i was tired all day. and i had to work at 12, but i thought i was supposed to be in at 11:30. oh well. i went tanning again after work... then went home and tried to take a nap cuz i was exhausted... but i woke up to more yelling... telling me i had to go to the store. then they changed their mind and went to skyline. KATIE AND LINDSEY ARE GOING TO FLORIDA!!! YAAAYYYY!!!!! :) i'm sooo happy!!! :)

04:21 pm: and today marks the first day of the WORST year of my life...














my life feels worthless right now.
and i dont think i've ever felt more out of place than i did last nite...

06:06 pm: and so concludes the last day of the best year of my life...


















i feel like i'm going to puke...

11:46 pm: sometimes this all feels like a dream. I'm waiting for someone to just wake me up, from this life...
jenna hedge spent the nite. we went to qdoba in noblesville today. then we came home and went to starbucks and target. then she left.


Three things you like about yourself:
1. my eyes
2. my hair (sometimes)
3. my lips haha
Three things you dont like about yourself:
1. my skin
2. my nose
3. umm... my eyesight?
Three things that scare you:
1. clowns
2. the future
3. pain
Three of your everyday essentials:
1. shower
2. music
3. makeup/coffee (sorry i had 4)
Three things you're wearing right now:
1. jeans
2. sweater/jacket thingy
3. band around my neck
Three of your favorite songs at present:
1. What it is to Burn- Finch
2. Blue and Yellow- The Used
3. anything from the Ataris right now
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. hair (kinda shaggy and brushed to the side... ahh...)
2. clothes (a little on the tighter side...)
3. lips (i would say personality... but that's not physical)
Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. hang out with my friends
2. hug someone
3. hmm...
Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. France
2. Greece
3. somewhere tropical
Three things you want to do before you die:
1. get married
2. go to college
3. have a real job
Ten random things about me:
1. I can't go one day without drinking at least one cup of coffee
2. I think WAY too much. and i try to analyze situations.
3. I love to analyze music [too]. I love understanding what the songs mean. (same as jenna said)
4. I would never want to be famous
5. I get sick of the color of my hair really easily. that's why i dye it so much.
6. I suddenly do NOT like Christmas. i used to love it.
7. I wish i lived in Indianapolis, because i love driving in the traffic
8. I love to draw, but i just don't do it often.
9. Believe it or not... i have a LOT of things about myself I dont tell anyone.
10. In the past year, my personality has changed more drastically than it ever has.
Three ways to win my heart:
1. make me laugh
2. PROVE to me you care more about me than yourself
3. hug me... for real.
Three of my favorite items in my bedroom:
1. my refrigerator
2. my 2 coffee makers
3. my guitar
ONE person I want to see right now:
1. Ali... i haven't seen her in months. but i have a lot of other people i want to see right now too





Do you ever feel like crying? Do you ever feel like giving up? I raise my hands up towards the sky, and say this prayer for you tonight. Because nothing is impossible...
Sometimes we're helpless and alone. But you can let it keep you weighted down. You must go on.
Stay who you are...

07:28 pm: i've just one wish on this christmas eve...
i learned how to play the song off of lady and the tramp on my guitar. i don't know chords tho. just plucking. i need lessons... haha

well... we had our immediate family christmas tonite. my sister... yea... i always get her little things. i never know what to get my dad. i always end up getting him dvds of old tv shows. i guess i can't go wrong that way. he's kind of a re-run freak. and my mom... always has one big item that's perfect for her. this year i got her a mirror for the entry way... and i know this will sound cheesy, but you know, there are times that you can tell someone likes something but isn't really that excited about it... then there are times that you KNOW they're excited about it. mom really liked the mirror i think. that made me happy.

well, i got some cool stuff. a few things tho, reminded me of college. (washcloths... 5 piece luggage set... hmm...)...but whatever. and i got teal potato shoes :) i love em~ altho i still think my favorites are my plaid ones.

i just realized its always kinda sad when all my cousins leave. i've always been really close to caleb, since he's my age... so i spent a lot of time with him this time. i hadn't really done that since i was younger. it was kinda nice. and maggie and abbie are always pretty fun to talk to.

we're going to my other grandma's house tomorrow. THAT MEANS AMAZING MACARONI AND CHEESE!!!! and we get to stay there all day and lay around and watch TV. that's going to be GREAT!

also... i think i'm kinda getting used to christmas a little more. this year really hasn't been all as bad as what i was anticipating it would be. and of course... it's about a billion times better than last year... but that's kind of a given...

i just really can't believe this year is over already. it's really... REALLY... flown by. ha... anyways...


i'm done now. good nite... and i hope everyone has a great christmas tomorrow.

10:28 pm: If only i had more time...
well. today has shed a whole new light on... this christmas. haha... honestly, if i got nothing else, i'd be happy. ok... i take that back. but i'm really happy. my mom let me open one early... it was a guitar. YESSS... now to learn how to play...

so anyways. i got up at 9:30 today. and i got ready. then i went to ambers at 1:00 and had jenny trim my hair, cuz i told her i was going to. i always hate having my hair trimmed cuz it seems so much shorter. but yea. at least it's... healthier (???)

i drove around till 4:15. i dont even remember where all i went. i know i had to stop at a billion different stores for my mom, trying to find THIN MINTS to put in my uncle's christmas gift. which, by the way, i never found. i love driving tho. it kinda puts me into a trance. which normally turns into contemplation and ends in pessimism (is that a word??)

i came home and made a the cheeseball my grandma wanted me to make. actually, last nite, me and my cousin caleb were up till 2 baking and stuff... we made 2 apple pies, caramel fruit dip, and a coffee frozen dessert. i love cooking... at eating...

tonite we went to my grandma wright's house. i actually survived all the annoying sexist comments from my 9 year old (boy) cousin, and all of the different smells permeating the air from when anyone got some kind of fragrance, they just felt like they HAD to spray it. but thru it all... i actually think i had a good time. my grandma is the best cook in the world. i swear on my life.

anyways. it's christmas (almost). and i really dont care. WHY IS THAT???? when i was little i loved it. but now it's just kinda... annoying.


whatever...




honestly, i would like to know, if things are different than i think they are. and why do i feel like i'm the one that did the damage... cuz i know it wasn't me...

06:02 pm: I think we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again...
I like... hate everything right now. i hit a stupid deer in my car last nite... i hope it died. it dented the front of my car and one of my lights fell off. and of course... it just ran away like nothing even happened. stupid thing.

we went carolling with Annie last nite. well... with her church. it was ok. i guess.

i slept like... from the time i got home from work till about an hour ago. i'm so lazy.

i still can't get on AIM!!! it's making me REAAAAALLLLLLYYY mad.

and i haven't seen katie and lindsey since saturday. that is SO SAD!!!
i miss them...

i caught a mouse in the basement today. it was disgusting. you'd think with all the stupid cats we have here they would catch it or something... so i put it outside cuz i'm afraid of killing it.

anyways. my family is here and i'm going to go

09:38 pm: Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out...
i think my stupid computer has a disease. it's suddenly slower than it's ever been, and it wont let me open AIM... it says somethin like "failed to open resource file" i hate technology.

i just went to muncie. with my mom. and i actually talked to her for a while. i just realized how much she doesnt know about me anymore. so anyways.

my sister has jenna hedge and courtney over... and they just tried to freakin kick me off of here. umm... she has 2 friends over. i'm alone. WHY should i let her on here?

anyways. i want online. i mean... on AIM. this is really making me mad...